December 30th, 2002 was the day I met my angel and the day I had to say good-bye to him also.
My husband and I had been trying for years to have another child. After 3 first trimester miscarriages and many tests, we carried a baby into the second trimester. During a routine ultrasound, it was discovered that our little boy had a rare skeletal condition called Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type 2. HIs long bones, including his ribs, were not forming correctly. He would die at birth.
We wrestled with the idea of ending the pregnancy early to spare him any suffering, but felt no peace in that decision...so we continued on. Because we knew that the day we met him would be our only day with him, we chose to love him intensely every day of the pregnancy. We celebrated every movement he made and talked to him constantly through my belly. We met our beautiful little angel on December 30th. He was a little guy, weighing about 5 pounds. He lived for two hours and we cherished every minute we had with him. However, saying goodbye to him and leaving the hospital were the most horrible moments of my life and they left me completely devastated.
The following night my husband and I lay on the couch. It was New Years Eve and everyone else in the world was celebrating...we were too busy being sad. I fell asleep but soon was awakened by a presence in the room. My body was frozen but I could move my head. As I turned my head, I saw my grandmother sitting on the floor of my living room. My grandmother had died several years earlier, but I was not surprised to see her. "Joshua?" I asked. She smiled and shook her head as she spoke to my mind and said "Oh, Joshua." In those two words I knew that Joshua was safe and with her. She had met him and he was fine. She then asked me how Bert, my husband, was doing. I looked over at him, asleep on the couch, but I knew she would be gone when I looked back. She was. However, those few words gave me the reassurance I needed to know that my little one was safe and was with my grandmother. I slept peacefully that night.
A few nights later I had fallen asleep crying. I missed Joshua so much. My heart was completely broken. That night I had a dream that someone brought me the baby during the night. He slept next to me in my bed and I watched myself hold him all night long. In the morning, someone came and took him back again. Was it a dream or did I get to hold my angel for a few hours? I don't know for sure, but it brought me so much comfort.
Another night I was sound asleep in my bed and I heard someone calling me. Mom! The voice was quite urgent and I sat up straight in bed. I knew instantly that it was Joshua. We have two other children who were asleep in the other room, but I knew in my heart that it was not either of them. I'm not sure what Joshua wanted to tell me that night, or if he simply wanted me to know that he was there. I'm so glad that he woke me and I hope and pray that he does it again soon.
It's been 7 weeks since we said hello and goodbye to our angel. I absolutely believe that Joshua and my grandmother both came to give me comfort at the moments when I needed it most. I can't wait until they come again, because I have no doubt that they will. My Joshua is forever tied to my heart and I know he's not that far away. I miss him desperately, but I know he's watching over us and we will see him again. All my love forever, little angel boy.Karen
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