Jessica's tries to restore her mother's faith ..
My daughter Jessica Louise was born still on the 27th November due to placental abruption. Before the death of my daughter, I had lost 2 babies at 6 weeks and 12 weeks into my pregnancy, and found that very difficult to cope with. I thought I was through the most difficult stages of my pregnancy and I was relieved. Jessica's room was ready, her name was chosen, and we awaited the much loved and wanted arrival of our daughter.
The night before Jessica died I had pains in my stomach. I looked it up in my pregnancy book and for some strange reason, when I opened the book, the page read "when a child dies". I thought nothing of this until the midwife who came to my home could not find my baby's heart-beat, and called an ambulance.
In the days following my daughter's death, there was anger. If there was a God, why would He let this happen? Why create such a beautiful child and let her die before she was even born. Any beliefs I ever had before my daughters death were gone the day she was taken from me.
My husband James had faith to help him cope with Jessica's death. He never went to church, but believed Jessica was in a safe place, was watching over us, and was being looked after.
I, on the other hand, had nothing to help me. God! Who is He? He would never let this happen. A child is innocent, pure. Why would anyone do this and take their baby from them?
I had questions unanswered. I needed to know my daughter was safe, looked after, to be in no pain and to have suffered no pain. I asked these questions to my husband over and over . If he had such strong beliefs, why couldn't I? How can he believe in someone who has just taken our baby from us?
"I've had enough.", I told him one night, "You give me the proof .." that Jessica was safe and then I would believe him (knowing fine well he couldn't prove anything!). He went silent and just as he did, we heard our television come on so loud I thought it was burglars. We were upstairs when this happened and I ran downstairs, thinking nothing of it until I realized that our tele hadn't even been on before we went up.
I checked the T.V, trying to find answers as to why our tele would be on, and so loud. We had no explanation as we had no tele remote control that could have been knocked over, or a standby button that could be pressed. We only had a manual on/off button which had to be pressed and a volume button on the tele which had to be turned by ourselves. We were the only ones in the house and in another room so neither of us had done it. My husband cried uncontrollably as he knew only he had turned the tele off just before coming upstairs to talk to me.
I believed at that time it was our Jessica letting me know in some way she was o.k and not to be afraid. My husband had his beliefs. She was safe, so he needed no sign, no indication of any other. I on the other hand had no beliefs and questioned these over and over, and when I asked for the proof, maybe that was her way of telling me. I don't know.
Sometimes I think of that night and question in my own mind as to whether it really happened. Could there have been an other explanation? One thing is for certain though, it did happen, and it came at a time in my life when I needed it most.
I still have lost faith in a God or whatever is supposed to be after this world. Maybe one day, I shall find that again, but in the mean time, I smell my daughter round me.
Some people may say thats crazy, but when my daughter was born I smelled a sweet smell. I have worked in a funeral parlour and I know it is the smell of death, but to me whenever I smell that same distinct smell, I know it is her visiting me. After more than a year, the smell of her has faded, but when I least expect it, she's there.
I'm a non-believer in things, but can still have belief in my daughter, then perhaps others can.
To mothers and families who have lost a child or children, I say if you're like me, and feel all your beliefs in anything have gone and you need answers, believe in your child. They remain in your hearts. As long as you keep them safe there, you will keep them alive in memory and spirit, and perhaps one day we shall all have that special chance to again be with our babies again .
Thank you for reading my story.
Hayley Cooper, 24 years old.
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